Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
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Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”