Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
You Might Also Like
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Fluff me with a fork baby
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me