[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
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I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Going into Monday like
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.