Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
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MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.