From Facebook just now…
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Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *