[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
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My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.