Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess