5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
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My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist