Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
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How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
he looks great for his age
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.