Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
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I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
#Caturday
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.