There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
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*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.