Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
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16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
BRO LMFAO
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.