This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
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The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry