We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
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me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
real
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Hey I worked for it too!
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump