[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
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I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.