[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
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If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
me and my fake scenarios
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly