me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
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me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.