“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
You Might Also Like
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
This is a whole mood;
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
What a chick magnet..
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey