“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
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If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD