[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
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I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.