Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
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*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
2 years later
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]