Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
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If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Just a friendly reminder!
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers