Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
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*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.