I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
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take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.