Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
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BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.