Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
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I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar