When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
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I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
When I said I liked it rough.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.