Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
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I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
groan^2
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I think my mom just blocked me
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.