me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
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Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY