It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
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Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”