My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
You Might Also Like
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Natty or not?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Confused owl: What?!
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said