Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
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“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE