[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
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[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron