Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
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#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
at ease…shoulder.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.