Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
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Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
#NoRestForTheWicked
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night