How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
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no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
how to market bottled water to dads
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
*exercises sarcastically*