DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
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Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
can I use a minion as a tampon
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.