oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
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I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Brilliant!
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.