The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
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going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.