Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
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me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
LMAO
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.