HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
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Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.