Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
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ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
*limbos under the caution tape
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Ha
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
My dad.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”