Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
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Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.