I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
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I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.