How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
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“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”