anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
You Might Also Like
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Eggs benadryl my favourite
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.