Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
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Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster