If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
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Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
“A little help here, Danny?”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.