I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
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Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.