bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
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Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate